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Thursday, August 7, 2008

ESSENCE "Do Right Men" Want to Give us All Diabetes!-Mr. WAOD???

ATTENTION LADIES ( and some gentlemen- we don't discriminate 'round here), today is your VERY LAST DAY to vote in ESSENCE Magazine's "Do Right Man of the YEAR" Competition.

Since it is almost over, it is now safe to post about ESSENCE's semi-annual attempt to prey upon the paranoia of single professional Black women. Its the semi annual "Sistahs I don't know Why Y'all All Still Single Because there are Plenty of Good Black Men Out Here, y'all just too picky!" psychological warfare.

Y'all know all we unmarried professional Black women are all going to die old and alone and be eaten alive by nine cats! MEOW! I told y'all not to get all high and mighty and go out and get a degree and whatnot--we're all unmarriagable now. Oh and you went out and purchased a home as well? Oh well just pull out the Friskies cat food right now! Tis OVA! All is lost! Sistas run for your LIIIIVES!

For about a month, I have been getting email blasts from ESSENCE.com about this"Do Right Man" competition. My dear friend and I had a hoot when I spotted a few folks she has dated and more than a few of these "Do Right" men are NOTmay not be single( according to her). But anyway, we had a good laugh about it going through the list to see if there was anybody else that we know. Tis a very . small. world.

But while perusing this list of "Do Right" men I noticed something VERY WRONG....almost every single DO-Right man's most "romantic" gesture involves food:

“I once serenaded a special someone with a song on a yacht dinner
The Lawyer

Maree says he once sent an anonymous letter to a woman that he really liked
and asked her to meet him at a four-star restaurant on the
beach. Quite a risk but Charles says, “The evening went very well.”

No seriously, they all mention food. Even the "medical professionals" who should know better:

After she had a hard day at work, “I cooked my girlfriend’s
favorite meal
and drew bathwater for her. With Luther Vandross
playing in the background, I washed and rubbed her feet.”

Here is another doctor:

“A young woman I went to college with was frustrated about not having been
voted homecoming queen. So I compiled [a collage] with several photos of her on
the homecoming court and bought her a cake that read ‘You Are
My Homecoming Queen.’ ”
I ain't gon' lie, the arts and crafts collage idea was kinda tight.. minus the sugary sweet diabetes inducing cake. No wonder we all got issues with "sugar" and high blood pressure. Oh wait, here is one that didn't talk about food:

“When a woman I was seeing was venting to me about something, I just
listened until she was through. I believe that is the most romantic thing a
man can do. Sometimes a woman just needs to know you’re there.”

Too bad at 48 he is just over my 15-year cut off. Tis a shame. Gosh darnit' and there I was picking out a china pattern and bridesmaids dresses. Oh well. Here is another one that wants to clog our precious arteries:

I once surprised a special lady by preparing a romantic,
home-cooked, four-course, candlelit dinner
Estate MOGUL

Don't you feel your blood sugar spiking right about now. What's with the four and five course meals. Appetizer, entree, dessert. That's it. And it keeps going. R&B "Crooner" Jaheim wants to kill us all too:

Jaheim also likes treating you to some home-cooked comfort

Even the athletes want to fatten us up:

“He’ll trade his playbook for a cookbook and work hard to captivate with five
Baby-oiled Down NFL player.

Is he counting the salad and rolls as a course???Now you mean to tell me not ONE person has noticed this pattern? Can a sister get a sonnet? A PO-EM? Nope, but we'll give her some scampi with a side of spare ribs.

If sipping fine champagne on a secluded beach, enjoying mellow music, and sampling delectable nibbles is your idea of a great date,
Ferguson is the guy for you.
Another NFL Player I Ain't Ever Heard of

Delectable NIBBLES? Why not just say his idea of a romantic evening is hooking a sister up to a feeding tube? ESSENCE is trying to kill us all one biscuit at a time!!! Run for your lives SISTAS!!! RUN LIKE THE HOUNDS OF HELL AND NIPPING Nibbling AT YOUR ANKLES! With a side of fava beans and potato salad and raspberry tea.


So all this has gotten me to thinking, should have our own competition? I don't want to wound the sensibilities of my culinary- challenged male readership. Because here at WAOD, we try not to discriminate based on gender or cooking ability. Do y'all think we should have a MR. WAOD Competition like ESSENCE.com?

We can have men submit videotapes of themselves performing essential functions like:

  1. Cooking on something other than a grill,
  2. Changing a tire/ using a tire gauge PROPERLY!!
  3. Opening a jar of pickles,
  4. Putting down the toilet seat,
  5. Sitting outside the women's dressing room holding some shopping bags and a purse
  6. Assembling some furniture from IKEA (using all the parts that came in the box- No "Black engineering" allowed!)
  7. Other miscellaneous tasks.

We could culminate it with a phone interview on a podcast. Or would that objectify Black men too much?

Brother's let us know, did you feel objectified by ESSENCE.com's "Do Right Man" competition? Was it fair to have regla' brothers go up against baby oiled-down NFL players? Is this REVERSE SEXISM? Can you compete with brothers who are cooking their women "a meal of shrimp and scallop pasta and served on the beach"? (I can just feel the sand grinding away at my tooth enamel as I try to eat sauce laden pasta on a beach.) Can you compete with a brother who bakes oatmeal cookies? Can you perform a tropical fruit-scented massage?

“The delicious feel of a head-to-toe, nice-and-slow massage. The invigorating
scent of warmed botanical oils. The tantalizing taste of ripe tropical fruit...”

Is this fair brothers? I say IS IT FAIR? Can you compete with fresh baked bread and gourmet cheese? And granted more than a few of us are holding it down for the CGU, but really do Black men really think romance = food? No, am serious. Is Black love all about the DRANKS and VITTLES in 2008??

I say we all vote for this guy because he is the only finalist old enough to rent a car at a major US airport.